Lord of the Numbers
by Matarra
Summary: "And my bow- which I will shove down your throat, Gandalf if you don't shut the hell up right the hell now!" The Zexal cast puts on a play of Lord of the Rings, where they differentiate from script a teensy tiny bit. Rated for potty mouths. Expect hilarity. Small children who are scarred by this are not legally my problem.


The barians sat backstage reading their lines for their parts, which they had all been roped into taking after being forced to do this damned play.

"Hey guys! Hey!" Yuma called, waving at them as he and Tori walked into the room.

"Hey, Yuma!" Alit cried, jumping up and waving at him, "What's your part? Does it fit you? Misael's thinking the play director just pulled our parts out of a hat!"

"That's because she probably did!" Misael snapped, "I mean, Vector got Samwise for crying out loud!"

"Yep! That means I get to have lots, and lots of fun~" Vector giggled.

"I got Saruman," Yuma chirped, "He's a bad guy, but it's cool! You?"

"Gimli! I get to wear a fake beard and everything!"Alit exclaimed, "What about you, Tori?"

"I got Galadriel," Tori said, "What about you, Merag?"

"Arwen," Merag replied, "And Nasch got Aragorn."

"Aren't Arwen and Aragorn-" Tori started.

"Yeah, this will be an interesting play," Nasch growled.

"I could've told you that!" Misael snapped, "Vector's Samwise!"

"Who'd you think I'd be if not Samwise?" Vector asked.

"Boromir, Saruman, Gollum, Sauron, a ring-wraith, anything evil and disgusting," Misael sneered.

"Aw~ pretty boy/girl, I'm hurt~" Vector sang.

"THAT DOES IT!" Misael snapped and jumped up only to be pulled back down by Dumon, who was much stronger than he looked.

"Hey Dumon! Who are you going to be?" Yuma asked.

"Frodo Baggins," Dumon said.

"I got Boromir," Gilag said.

"Cool!" Yuma said, grinning. The door opened and the Arclight family walked in. "Hola, alien overlords and humans!" Quattro greeted.

"Hey, Quattro!" Alit chirped, "Who are you?"

"I'm me, weren't you paying attention? Nah, I'm just kidding. I'm Meriadoc Brandybuck and Trey is Peregrin Took. Quinton's Elrond and Dad's Bilbo," Quattro replied with a grin.

"So who's Legolas?" Trey asked.

Misael scowled and raised his hand. "Guilty as charged."

"He's one of my favorite characters!" Trey exclaimed.

"Good for you," Misael huffed.

"Who's playing Gandalf? Dumon?" Quinton asked.

"No, I am playing Frodo," Dumon stated, "We do not yet know who is playing Gandalf the Grey."

"That would be me," a voice said. They all turned to see Kite Tenjo walking in.

"YOU?! I was hoping you weren't even in this play!" Misael snarled.

"Sorry to disappoint you, Princess," Kite sneered.

"I AM NOT A F*CKING PRINCESS, YOU GODDAMNED STRAWBERRY HEAD!" Misael snapped.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A STRAWBERRY HEAD?!"

"OBVIOUSLY YOU SINCE YOU'RE THE ONLY RETARD WITH A FRUIT FETISH HERE!"

"AT LEAST I DON'T LOOK LIKE A CANARY, YOU F*CKING FEATHER HEAD!"

"WELL, F*CK YOU F*CKING-" Misael was cut off when Dumon put his hand over the blond's mouth.

"Calm down. Do not get into a fight before the play," Dumon calmed him.

"Ten bucks Legolas and Gandalf will get in a fight," Alit whispered to Gilag.

"I am not taking you up on that," Gilag whispered back.

"Twenty bucks Legolas and Samwise will get in a fight," Alit hissed.

"Again, not taking you up on that."

The play director popped her head in, shoulder-length brown hair falling into her face. "Hey! Everyone ready?"

"No," Misael snarled.

"Will Misael EVER be ready?" she asked, rolling her eyes.

"Probably not!" Alit chirped.

"Alit, shut up!" Misael snapped.

"Well, who cares what Misael thinks, on with the show!" she said, "Oh, and on set if anyone screws up, remember to call them by their character's name no matter what happens! If anyone does otherwise, God help me I will-"

***A while later***

"-crush your funny bunnies with an anvil if you are a male and tie your intestinal track into a bow," she finished.

The entire cast stared at her. "...okay, we definitely won't use our real names on stage, or possibly ever again in your presence," Yuma squeaked. The others all quickly nodded.

"Then it's settled! On in five, people! Get into your costumes and get ready!" she skipped out with a slightly insane grin on her face. They all looked at each other then ran off into different dressing rooms. If she was prepared to do... that if they called each other by their real names on stage, they didn't want to think what she'd do if they weren't ready in time.

... (^0^) ...

Kite straightened out his hat while Yuma played around with his staff. "Don't screw around with that, Yuma," Quinton warned, "That actually has the power to throw someone back. I worked with Dumon to make it have a minor generator for barian power that can throw someone back about six feet. There's also one in every fake horse on the set so they can move."

"Oh, alright, I'll be care-" Yuma started as he twirled his staff around, then Kite flew back and slammed into the wall.

"OW!" he complained.

"Hey! That scene comes later!" the play director complained, walking into the room, "Dumon! Kite! Tori Get into your places!"

Dumon and Kite walked onto the stage where the curtains were closed. Dumon sat down against a fake tree and pulled out a book while Kite ran off to the left stage and got into a cart that was pulled by fake horses. Tori stayed to the right but grabbed a microphone The play director grinned and gave them both thumbs up, then raised the curtain.

The lights stayed dark while Tori began to speak. "The world is change. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was, is lost. For none now live who remember it. It became with the forging of the rings. Three were given to the elves: immortal, fairest, and wisest of all beings. Seven to the dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine gifted to the race of men, who above all else desire power. For within these rings was bound the strength and will to govern each race."

"Which explains why the humans needed so many," Misael muttered, earning him a death glare and rude gesture from Kite.

Tori continued. "But they were all of them deceived. For another ring was made. In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the dark lord Sauron forged a master ring, to control all others. And into this ring, he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life. One ring to rule them all. One by one, free lands of middle earth fell to the power of the ring. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of men and elves marched against the armies of Mordor. And on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of middle earth."

Battle music played and sounds of clashing swords echoed from the speakers.

"Victory was near. But the power of the ring could not be undone," screams and crunches were heard, "It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the king, took up his father's sword."

A screech and the sound of falling metal was heard.

"Sauron, the enemy of the free peoples of middle earth, was defeated. The ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever. But the hearts of men are easily corrupted,"

"Like I couldn't have told you that!" Misael hissed. This time, Kite made a motion that conveyed he was attempting to strangle the blond barian from across the room.

"And the ring of power has a will of its own. It betrayed Isildur to his death. And some things that should not have been forgotten, were lost. History became legend, legend became for two and a half thousand years, the Ring passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer. The ring came to the creature Gollum, which took it deep into the tunnels of the misty mountains. There it consumed him. The Ring brought to Gollum unnatural long life. For five hundred years it poisoned his mind. And in the gloom of Gollum's cave, it waited.

"Darkness crept back into the forests of the world. Rumor grew of a shadow in the east. Whispers of a nameless fear. And the ring of power perceived, it's time had now come. It abandoned Gollum. But something happened then the ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlike creature imaginable: a hobbit, Bilbo Baggins of the Shire. For the time will soon come when hobbits shape the fortunes of all."

The lights turn on and Dumon sits reading a book against a fake tree. Kite's cart comes rolling while said grey-eyed boy hums. Dumon stood up, ran over to Kite, and crossed his arms. "You're late."

Kite looked up and puffed on his bubble pipe. "A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins, nor does he arrive early even though one retarded elf seems to think if he arrives at all it's a bad thing, screw you, Legolas. He arrives precisely when he means to."

Dumon had a sinking feeling that this play would be disastrous. Nevertheless, he smiled and hugged Kite, crying, "It's wonderful to see you, Gandalf!"

"You didn't think I'd miss your uncle's birthday! Even if he is a brainwashing, soul-stealing little shit at times," Kite said. Apparently he had to add that one in. In the audience, Dr. Faker facepalmed.

The cart rolled along and Dumon asked, "What news is there of the outside world? Tell me everything! And don't bash my uncle or that elf, Legolas while you do so."

"Everything? Far too eager and curious for a hobbit. Most unusual..." Kite muttered, actually staying on script.

"Well, what can I tell you? Life in the wide world goes on much as if it has past age. Full of its own comings and goings and blond immortal effeminate assholes who can't shut up and think they're so great even if they're total assholes, scarcely even aware of the existence of hobbits. Of which I am very thankful, especially since you lot don't have to put up with f*cking blond ponces."

Dumon figured this play had just upped full a rating, or would in a few minutes.

"Ah, the long expected party. So, how is the little shit? I hear it's going to be a party of special magnificence," Kite said.

"You know Bilbo, he's go the whole place in an uproar," Dumon replied.

"Well that should please him," Kite muttered.

"Half the Shire's been invited."

"Good gracious, me," Kite mumbled.

"He's up to something."

"Oh really?"

"Alright then, keep your secrets. Before you came along we Bagginses were very well thought of," Dumon said haughtily, showing for once his political emperor side.

"Indeed?" Kite asked.

"Never had any adventures or did anything unexpected," Dumon huffed.

"If you're referring to the incident with the dragon, I was barely involved, sadly. All I did was give your uncle a little kick or two out the door," Kite said.

"Whatever you did, you've been officially labeled a disturber of the peace, and with that language I honestly agree with most residents of the Shire that you should not be left alone around small children or be allowed to babysit. I don't think any parent wants their child's first words to be "f*ck Bilbo" or "screw Legolas"."

"Oh really? And I do not say those things all the time!" Kite replied.

"You are showing a habit of it," Dumon sighed, "Gandalf? I'm glad you're back."

"So am I, dear boy! So am I," he muttered as Dumon jumped off the cart and exited the stage.

The lights dimmed as some of the number club got to work on changing the set to the inside of Bilbo's hut. They had all volunteered to be extras and change the sets.

The lights came back on as the sound of someone knocking on the door was heard. "No thank you! We don't need any more visitors, well-wishers, or money-grabbing distant relations! All of you can go throw yourselves in a meat grinder!" Vetrix yelled. He was wearing bandages over the galaxy side of his face and the story that was put out there as to why he wore bandages was because he got into a bad accident and half his face was disfigured.

"And what about very old friends?" Kite called from behind the wooden (cardboard) door.

Vetrix opened the door to reveal Kite. "Gandalf?"

"Bilbo Baggins." Kite replied.

Vetrix glomped Kite. "Oh dear Gandalf!"

Kite looked very uncomfortable "It's good to see you. One hundred and eleven years old, who would believe it! Especially given your size and apparent age. You haven't aged a day, literally."

Vetrix gave no outward appearance of recognizing the shot but discretely stomped on Kite's foot. Hard. He led him into the house and laughed, "Come on, come in! Welcome! Tea? Or maybe something a little stronger? Perhaps a knuckle sandwich? No? I've a few bottles of the Old Winyard left, 1296...a very good year, almost as old as I am. It was laid down by my father. What say we open one, eh?" Vetrix exited the set to give the appearance of looking elsewhere in the house.

"Just tea, thank you!" Kite called, then hit his head on the chandelier lightly as he was supposed to and slipped on a banana peal that was NOT supposed to be on the set that someone had innocently left there. That little shit. As Kite got back up, he hit his head on a wooden (not cardboard for once) beam for real. He starts exploring the room, looking all around.

"I was expecting you some time last week," Vetrix called, still off set, "Not that it matters, you come and go as you please, always have done, always will. You've caught me a bit unprepared, I'm afraid...we've only got cold chicken, bit of pickle, some cheese here...ooh, no, that might be a little risky. Er, we've got raspberry jam and apple tart...got some custard somewhere. Not much for Afters, I'm afraid. Oh no...we're alright...I've just found some sponge cake. Nice little snack. Hope it's enough." he walked back onto the stage, "I could do you some eggs if you like?"

"Just tea, thank you. You can't cook anything else for your life," Kite said.

Vetrix glared at him for his comment on his real-life cooking skills while Quattro laughed off-stage. He recovered quickly enough and, putting a piece of sponge cake that Trey had baked in his mouth he muffledly said, "Oh right, you don't mind if I-?"

"No not at all. Go ahead and stuff your face," Kite said.

A loud knocking came on the front door. Vetrix dove under a chair. "I'm not at home!" He suddenly snarled, "I've got to get away from these confounded relatives, hanging on the bell all day, never giving me a moment's peace. I want to see mountains again, mountains, Gandalf, and then find somewhere quiet where I can finish my book. Oh, right! Tea!"

"So you mean to go through with your plan then? At least this one doesn't involve stealing people's souls," Kite muttered.

"You had a variation of that plan too, Gandalf! And yes, yes, it's all in hand. All the preparations are made," Vetrix said, crawling out from under the chair.

"Frodo suspects something."

"Of course he does! He's a Baggins! Not inbred like everyone else in this hillbilly town where everyone marries their mom, dad, cousin, or sibling!"

Kite actually had to struggle not to laugh like most of the audience was. That was certainly NOT in the script. "You will tell him, won't you?"

"Yes, yes," Vetrix said, waving his hand.

"He's very fond of you," Kite stated.

"I know. He'd probably come with me if I asked him. I think, in his heart, Frodo's still in love with the Shire, the woods and the fields, little rivers... I am old, Gandalf, I know I don't look it-"

"You really don't look it," Kite interjected.

Vetrix ignored him. "-but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin...sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday, a very long holiday and I don't expect I shall return. In fact, I mean not to. So all these suckers can go on kissing their little brothers while I say "Sayonara, bitches! I'm out of this dump!"" Vetrix stated firmly.

Off stage, the others looked at each other. This was going to be a very, _very _interesting play.


End file.
